How to Talk with Your Partner About Going to Couples Therapy
It can be intimidating and challenging to talk to your partner about going to couples therapy. You might be aware that the typical couple waits an average of 7 years before seeking professional help for issues that have been affecting them- and by then, it’s long overdue. Or maybe you just think your relationship could benefit from working with a professional, but you don’t think (or you know) that they would be resistant if you asked. In any case, here are a few tips for approaching your partner about going to couples therapy together.
No Blaming
As mentioned before, many couples wait a long time before they seek help from a counselor, and over years, that allows for more resentment and criticism to build. That may make it difficult not to blame the other person for a lot of the problems in the relationship. However, when approaching your partner about making a decision that may be difficult, it’s important to be on the same side; that is, on the side of your relationship. It’s not a “me vs them” thing so much as a “we” vs “the problems” thing, and if you use language that reflects that you’re not interested in dragging them to therapy to blame them for everything, rather you want to work together to strengthen your relationship, they are more likely to let down some defenses. Try something like, “I know we have been struggling lately, and I would love for us to be able to talk more openly without us getting so upset. I think we might benefit from working on our communication with a neutral party.” And a good couples counselor would also be just that, neutral, not choosing sides. Mention that, too, as many partners fear it will be a blame fest!
Normalize it!
Your next door neighbor, your cousins, your coworkers: they’re all in therapy, even couples therapy. Okay, maybe if they’re not currently, they have been or might be at some point. People are not always forthcoming about attending therapy, but it’s totally normal. And it doesn’t always mean that something is necessarily bad or wrong in order to warrant therapy, sometimes it’s just the “healthy” thing to do, like going to the doctor for a check-up or the gym to stay strong. Therapy can be a great tool for couples to utilize when they just need that extra support to get out of a stuck point, whatever the reason!
No Pressure.
Offering to compromise ahead of time on what kind of therapist you guys use (like a male or a specialist in trauma for example), and also on agreeing to both being on the same page with how you feel about the way therapy is going can be helpful to make it seem less intimidating. So too, would the idea of “just trying it out” without too much pressure on any one therapist be helpful. Agree ahead of scheduling that if you both don’t feel like it is a good connection, that you could try someone else after a few session. And also take the pressure off of timelines and ultimatums. Couples therapy is not a weapon, and the therapist is not a magician, so it’s best to also have realistic expectations around changes. Instead of “If you can’t get over the affair by the time Thanksgiving is here, I’m done,” keep it open, be ready to honor change in whichever way it comes. Keep the pressure off “how” therapy has to occur can be more inviting. Instead, you might try something like, “I know it’s important to you that we find a young therapist, and I’m okay with that. Can we also agree to check in with each other after a few sessions to see if we are both on the same page about continuing with them?”
Stay open-minded, ask questions to learn about your partner’s resistance, and encourage “we-ness.” You want to communicate that your intentions are to obtain support because you care about the relationship, and that you’re not trying to “win” at something. It makes a big difference to someone’s readiness to dive into vulnerability.
