Discipline Vs Punishment
Every parent faces the challenge of responding in a constructive way to their child’s more difficult behaviors. When you find yourself in this position, the question becomes whether you are turning to discipline or punishment. These two terms are often used interchangeably, but they have vastly different intentions and results.
Punishment is the practice of giving negative consequences to correct unwanted behaviors. It tends to emphasize the role of authority and a child’s preferred obedience. While this can appear preferable for its more immediate effect, its lasting impacts can be detrimental to both the child’s individual development and their relationship with you. How? Well, it places an emphasis on your child’s wrongdoing while training them to fear making poor choices. Do we want our children to avoid poor decisions? Absolutely. But, as these are a natural part of the human experience, we also want them to learn how to reflect, rectify, and recover when they occur. That’s where discipline comes in.
Discipline is what we’re doing when we turn negative decisions and behaviors into lessons. It’s the process of teaching children not only what “bad thing” they’ve done, but also what “good things” they’re capable of. The biggest challenge in discipline is that it is rooted in your regulation when things start going off the rails. Monitoring your own emotional response to difficult situations gives you the opportunity to teach not only through instruction but also through modeling.
Now let’s talk about what this looks like in the real world. Imagine your kiddo, a creative energetic little 7-year-old, decided their next masterpiece belonged on the wall. Now, a scribbling of markers greets anyone who walks in the front door. Yikes. It is perfectly realistic to feel frustrated by this mess, the time it’s going to take to clean, and the conversation you’ll need to have with the little artist. If you were to punish your child, you might let that frustration accompany you as you reprimand the little one and send them to their room to “think about what they’ve done.” They might even cry, which will only add to your challenges because now that’s another issue you’ll have to manage later. In short, this punishment has only served to heighten everyone’s emotional experience of this behavior. And you still have a dirty wall.
What if you chose discipline instead? Does this decision magically erase those feelings of frustration associated with the whole situation? Oh, if only. Instead, it invites you to find a way to express these emotions to your child in a safe way. Fill them in on why you’re feeling frustrated and check in for understanding. It’s important that they comprehend the impacts of their actions rather than fear them. Then, have them participate - to whatever extent you are comfortable - in the process of cleaning their drawing off of the wall. Let them experience taking responsibility for their actions. And finally, work together to make a plan for the future. Celebrate their artistic nature! Offer positive reinforcement for their ability to take accountability for their mistakes (even if it was done through tears or anger of their own). Talk about what it would look like to use their art skills in a beneficial way that won’t lead to unenjoyable conversations and/or an afternoon spent cleaning the wall.
When you approach your child with discipline instead of punishment, you’re not only guiding their behavior, you’re building trust. You are showing your kiddo that mistakes are opportunities for growth, not moments of fear. Over time, this approach strengthens the connection in your relationship, nurtures emotional intelligence, and helps your child develop confidence to make better choices on their own. Discipline invites connection, cooperation, and understanding… and those are some of the most important aspects of a strong relationship!